BRUISED, BUT NOT BROKEN - By Forlah

Well Guys,

I would like to discuss a serious and sensitive topic with you...a topic that I find intriguing and compelling.

Today, I would like to share some stuff on relationship and women. This topic came up whilst I was gisting with one of my girlfriends and she mentioned that a friend of hers is contemplating adoption because she is tired of men and their schemes. That adopting a baby is a far reliable option since age isn't on her side. So i decided to get someone else's perspective on the subject, so here is Forlah, with her views being someone who knows heart ache and pain...

So without much ado, Forlah, explains to us things women do/ feel after been broken...here is Forlah!

   "Many a times, I have heard and seen women miss out on life’s blessings, because they have refused to let go and Let God.
So many women live empty lives today, because they have failed to accept that the past ought not to be dragged into the present. Yes, pain hurts and rejection hurts but, take it from a woman who has “been there”, loneliness hurts even more.

Dear woman, I know what it means to feel pain. I have felt it. I understand you feel betrayed. I have felt it. You are angry. Oh yes, I have been Mad as hell. But, do you know that those things happened for a good reason? There is a reason that relationship, or THOSE relationships you have passed through did not work.

Now, let’s get real here.

“He cheated. He is so ungrateful and inhuman. He was so mean to me. After all I did for him, he messed around with someone else, and even when I forgave him, he ended up dumping me. I cannot forgive him, ever. Men are evil. I HATE men”….. Ladies, kindly pick from the list above. How many of these words have you uttered in anger? Do not be shy, for Yours Truly has said ALL. Yes, take it from a woman who has loved and hurt.

Some of you might have said these words too many a time and now feel that you are better off without the “evil species” called Men. I hear some women have even decided that they are not going to ever try any relationship again. After all, the relationship would definitely end like the previous ones (hmmmmn, already with the mindset that it won’t work out). Some women might say, “Hey, I don’t need a man. I’d just adopt a couple of kids and we would live happily ever after”….. Wake Up Miss Thing. You are living in denial and the earlier you woke up from that hellhole of a dream, the better for you.

Now, some of you are getting angry right? “Who is this woman and what gives her the right to talk here?” So, let me introduce myself to you. I am your reflection. I am that angry voice in your head cursing and screaming at all the men out there. I am that evil look in your eyes that flashes when any man walks up to you to say a simple “hello”.
I can identify with these feelings because I felt the same way. When you love one man for 10 whole years, tie your life around him, become his wife ( well, almost), even when you are not married to him, only to have him wake up one day, look you in the eyes and say “Baby I love you, but I’m not good enough for you.
I’m sure there’s a man out there for you. You deserve to move on with your life, (bla bla black sheep)”.

Your reaction would be a range of these options:
A- Shoot this guy abeg (violence).
B-What da Hell? (Anger)
C-Please God, tell me I’m dreaming (total confusion)
D-Baby please, tell me what I did wrong and I’d fix it (Stoop to beg) and finally:
E-How can you do this to me? Where am I supposed to start from? Who would I love? After loving you alone for 10 years of my life and waiting for you? (Unanswered questions).

Then, there are those friends, those ones who have helped you plan your dream wedding with this your “dream man”.
How do you tell them it’s over? They would be so shocked.

And your family? The ones who have asked you for several years if indeed you know what you are doing, waiting for one man while rejecting numerous suitors. How do you look them in the face and accept defeat? For a while, you’d hide the truth from them. Till it becomes obvious there’s an issue and you are forced to spill the beans.

Days become weeks, weeks turn to months (and, in some cases, years). You lose your spark; you bury yourself in work (and might even get promoted for the extra performance). You become a shadow of yourself. Uninterested, unmotivated and with a big hole in your heart, you tell yourself “Never. Never again will I let myself feel such pain”. So, you do what I did.

You carve a very fine key, lock up your heart, throw the key into the Atlantic and become anti-male".

Well, if you want to know what happened next...BRUISED BUT NOT BROKEN

Forlah's next blog will give you the concluding part of this heart-felt and life changing story. So I leave you all with this last words

"We are human and emotions are our defence mechanism, necessary for our survival. But when we dont guard them or control them, they tend to destroy us. So be careful to let your emotions control you". 

So remember, let's keep it real and true.
Gentlehawk
www.realgentlehawk.com

A LITTLE CHANGE IN THE INGREDIENT

     Well if I might say, twenty thirteen has been quite a year. Half of the year, has just passed and looking back, not where I would like to be, but I thank God for his mercies.

Wish I had reasons to say that the first part of the year isn't what it is but I can't lie. I will be fooling my self. I have taking so many giant steps this last six months that I am surprised at what the human mind can do when it decides to take the bull by the horn.

I am not there yet but I know I am a step closer to getting it right. 

My blog did suffer the consequences of chasing my dreams but while doing so, I have always learnt a lot. A lot from pains, joy, victories and challenges and still learning. 

So I decided that I would not walk this path alone any more...damn the consequences. There are a lot of wonderful people out there who don't have this opportunity, which I have created for myself. 

So why not give them a little push by encouraging them to be true to who they really are.

So in the next months or so, I have decided to feature as many writers as possible. Writers who will write from their hearts, things that no one dare say but want to say. Things that make us who we really are, humans. 

We are going to be working together to bring the unexpected and uncontroversial topics to your world.

All we need is your open heart and mind...your comments and suggestions will be of high importance to us too.

We are going to be your voice, your thoughts and most especially your heart. We are going to be real and true to your very being...

So come along as we share with you, a journey like no other!

While being real and true to who we are. Welcome to a new dawn!

Welcome to a little change in the ingredient!

Your Gal, Gentlehawk 

Www.realgentlehawk.com

BRUISED, BUT NOT BROKEN 2 - By Forlah

Well my wonderful readers, back to the concluding part of Forlah story.

I remember read something a long time ago and please pardon me because I will be paraphrasing this: 

No matter how my heart breaks, no matter how much my soul you take...I will still believe in Love!

From Forlah to your heart. Happy reading!

              My dear sisters, the truth is, as much as it hurts to have been hurt, you need to heal. You need to let go of that pain. Love is out there. It’s standing in the shadows, waiting for you. But, you cannot find love again, if you still carry past hurt around you. I did not cry after my break-up, for over a year. I had a heart of stone. Nothing could melt me. Of course, the men came. Yes, my mum’s wine cabinet increased with visits from suitors. Yes, I rejected every single one of them. Family meetings were even held, with me as the subject of discussion. But I remained un-moved. Until one day, I got an I.V for my Secondary School daughters’ wedding. Suddenly, I felt like a grandma. Extremely old. My little baby was getting married. OMG!! What have I been doing? That day, I went home, looked at myself in the mirror, and told myself the truth “Enough is enough. I do not want to be ‘you’ anymore. I want ‘my’ life back”. 

I remember that night clearly, November 17, 2012, exactly two years that my heart was bruised. I remember playing “Boundless Love”, by Women of faith repeatedly. I lay flat on the ground in my room that night, and told God “I am ready. Break me. Heal me. Touch my heart and make me a new being”. For the first time in 2 years, I cried. The tears flowed for several hours, tears piled up for 730 days. Memories of my relationship flashed through my mind. The good times. The happy times. And the end. Oh! How much I cried. You might not believe this, but I stayed there till the next morning.
That was when I understood the words “though the sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning”. Though my eyes were puffy, I felt peace. Such peace that I could not explain. I felt like I had been re-born, and for the first time, I smiled. Because I knew I had healed.

With phase one complete (Healing Process), I proceeded to phase two (Lessons learnt). I sat down, and looked at those things in me that might have pushed my ex away. Yes, he cheated. But, did I do something? Did I love him less? Did we lose the spark in our relationship? Was I too independent? I hardly asked him for anything (not my fault. I was raised by a single parent and, with no father in sight, mum always handled things) Too rigid? I know he complained that I hardly told him I loved him. I didn’t say it often, but I showed it, or didn’t I? Etc…To some extent, I felt I did not deserve what he did to me. I just knew I had to learn from it. So, I did something weird. I called my ex and scheduled a lunch date/meeting/interview. Oh yea. I sure did. I mean, he had tried to reach me several times in the past year, he even asked me to take him back, but I wouldn’t agree to go near him without a double barrel gun in my hand and, since I couldn’t get hold of a gun, I stayed away. But I called him. Over lunch, I asked him the question I think you ought to ask- WHY? Why did you do that to me? To us? You were my life, my best friend from childhood. I gave you my life and heart and you took 10 years of my life, only to throw it away. Why?

Ready for this? His answer was? The devil….. Oh yes, that man sure knows how to pop up in people’s mouths. My ex blamed the devil. Said he made one wrong decision, got carried away and missed his way back. And then, he said another shocking thing. He told me that, after his error, he just could not bear to be with me. I was too pure, too loving, too maternal, too much of a wife to him, that his conscience just couldn’t stay because he knew I deserved better. A man that would love me, be committed to me and never ever cause me such pain.

Ladies, there I sat, with my mouth ajar. For over a year, I hated, I cursed, I was mad at the world. Now, the truth stared at me in the face: he left me because he felt I deserved better after what he did. That was it, phase two was complete. From then on, I kept telling myself “I DESERVE BETTER”.
It’s been months since that day, and believe me when I tell you that, I indeed have found “better”. I have opened up my heart again and I have let love in. Love came in the strangest of ways. The one person I pushed away the most when I was hurt, is now the most precious gift I have ever received. When he smiles, my whole world is complete. We have our differences, but we resolve them amicably. My family loves him, and vice-versa.

How does it feel? Am I scared? Worried? Insecure? The answer is-“NO”. I feel wonderful, alive, happy, re-born and extremely beautiful. I feel like a blossoming flower, with its petals all fresh and moist.
Dear sisters, if I could do it, you can do it too. There’s love out there, waiting with open arms. You’ve got to let go, let God heal you and let love find its way into your heart. Stop deceiving yourselves by saying men are evil. If indeed men are evil, why is your wardrobe filled with friends’ aso-ebi? Why do you attend their weddings every Saturday? There are good men out there. You just need to let yourself heal enough to let a good man find you. If it means going to good relationship counselors, or just having a tete-a-tete with God, do it.

I do not know what the future holds for me, but right here, right now, I know that I would not trade what I have or how I feel, for a million dollars. I have realized that, even the best of men make mistakes, and we need to show our men just how much we love them. I never knew how to say the words “I love you” in my past relationship, but now, I sing it like a Nursery rhyme, and I see the spark in his eyes every time I say so. 

That was my lesson-learnt; to be more expressive and always assure my man that no one can love him half as much as I do and to learn to let a man take care of me for a change.

I loved, I hurt, I bled, I healed, and in the midst of all the pain, I found love again. My sincere prayer for you, is that you would find love again too.

Come out of that shell: there’s a beautiful world out there. Waiting for you!!

So be real and true!

Gentlehawk 

IS NATURAL PHENOMENON NOW OBSCENE!!!

Okay this is madness…now, this is totally unbelievable!!!

Please, does civilization mean that we now neglect what is right for what is wrong or that this technology age is making our hearts operate like the machines and computers/systems we use?
I am not sure what to make of all these craziness when the unnatural is considered as not obscene and the natural is considered as obscene.

HELP! HELP!! HELP!!! Or is it just me? I am still living in the early age…would someone please explain this to me, maybe I am missing something people?

Please could someone explain to me how BREASTFEEDING could be considered as obscene, even if it is done in public?
Okay let me explain to you what this ranting is all about…before you stop reading this article.

I read an article where a couple were thrown out of a club or something like that, why you ask? Okay now, they were thrown out not because they were terrorist or did something stupid like walked in naked but because the wife was breasting their baby.
They were asked by a female supervisor to leave the diner (Can you imagine, that! A FEMALE supervisor – my guess is she never ever feed a child in her entire life). After a back and forth between the couple and the supervisor, the police department which was notified earlier, arrived with one of its officers who had his hand on his gun and the other on his teaser. Police department arrived – how silly, in a developed world! I’m disappointed.


All these paparazzi because a mother performs her natural duty to her child. But pardon me if I am wrong, I just do not get it, and how can that be considered as disturbing.
Also I read that one spokesman considered what happened as a cultural misunderstanding, please (I beg) what is the difference between this man and our “Oga at the top”.
On seeing this article, I decided to do some research on what is going around on this topic. I was curious to know if this is just a one off or there is more to this article, but to my amazement, I discovered that this topic has a lot said on it but it ain’t funny stuff despite the fact that in a lot of countries there are laws and regulations protecting women against this type of harassment and discrimination.

I read some comments on what some people (mostly men) have to say on this and here they are, you can make your own conclusions:
1. “I don’t pee or masturbate in public, so why should a woman breastfeed in public”
2. “Just go in another room. Stay home, nobody wants to see that”
3. “That’s what breast pumps are for”
4. “Just bring a formula”

Now I see why the world is the way it is….why some people’s knots are so out of place.
My guess, because I do feel so sorry for them, is that these same people missed out on this amazing yet indescribable time of their lives and they want others to do too.
If breastfeeding is so indecent, so should be kissing or hugging in public especially if it is happening between same sexes. I don’t know if you know where I am going on this.

The funniest thing is that these same people who have problems with breastfeeding in public, are the same people who will pay anything to play with one.
Please get over yourselves and pervert mind…breastfeeding is a natural phenomenon that your little mind can’t and wouldn’t understand. You can’t understand the magic or the bond that occurs between a mother and her child during breast feeding, so please do everyone a favour, and keep your opinion to yourself.

Therefore, when breastfeeding is done discreetly and decently there is nothing wrong or obscene about it, so please if you are not wearing the shoe don’t tell us where it hurts or doesn’t.

So be real and true to yourself and let these wonderful people be.

Gentlehawk 

www.realgentlehawk.com

@gentlehawk

I AM MY MOTHER’S DAUGHTER

WHAT THE DAUGHTER DOES, THE MOTHER DID - - (A JEWISH PROVERB)

How many times have you wished you were like your mum (Perfect and Beautiful) but then, when she does something to you that you dislike, you wish and say to yourself, "I will never be like her, or, I won’t be like her?

I was on the phone with a good friend of mine the other day, we were chatting about a lot of things, including his upcoming trips and wedding, but majorly why he hasn’t been keep in touch. 

“Work my dear, it takes too much of my time. I have been terribly busy”, he said.

Can you imagine that? i have been busy with work, is his excuse?
Guy, I really don’t get them when their only excuse is ‘work’. We know that already and stop making the rest of us look so unserious. 

Anyways, that was on a lighter note (hey, up me, i made a joke). 

But seriously, back to what i was saying, while scolding him on that (by the way which I enjoy doing with my guys friends – it is fun acting like their mother, most times they are kids… at heart, irrespective of their Spartan exterior), he said something very alarming and surprisingly as well.

Well for me it was, also my response shocked me even further (read on and you will see why).
I made a comment on something I really can't remember what but his response to it was that, “You sound so much like your mother right now”.

When he said that I was taken aback but really, the surprise was from what I found myself replying. I found myself saying, “Why not, I am my mother’s daughter”.

Well as a girl who partially grew up in what felt like a single parent but actually having both parents (long story…and by the way it is complicated!!!) most of my young life, my mother was my inspiration and anchor (duh! don’t we all say that!). 

As I grew from a child to a teenager/young lady, I didn’t think that anymore. I felt she was mean, not supportive and not smart enough to help me, or better still, befriend me (Do not look at me as if you don’t know what I am talking about or this thought has never crossed your mind).

Both of us are always at each other’s throat…the truth then was, it was either I kill her or she kills me, well, literally, it was simple as that. And you know mothers (a good one, is what I am referring to), they never give up on you.
But as I grew a little older, in maturity I mean, I began to understand and see that despite the fact that my mother isn't perfect, she still loves me with her life. 

Her imperfection may be a thing of confusion to me, but the truth is that her imperfection is what makes her human - loving, caring and giving. So I took a good look at myself, reassess myself and discovered that I am not perfect also. 

So whatever, she is all I have got and ever get and I love her because in her imperfection, there is a resounding and resilience perfection.

And as that Jewish proverb said, i can bet my life on it that she also had the same feelings or reservations about my grandmother as I have of her, yet the amazing thing about all this is that, with every generation, the imperfections get better. 

One way or the other, i feel deep within that It is up to us as daughters to upgrade because we have the imperfection of our mothers (No matter who or what you have achieved as a mother or how much your daughters loves or hates you), it is our obligation to upgrade the imperfection a notch.

I am not saying you should change who you are, well the fact is you can’t, no matter how much you try anyway, but what I am trying to say is this, firstly we need to understand and accept we are our mothers' daughter (love it or hate it, it is the way it is) but if there is something about yourself you know you got from your mother, don’t like, upgrade it.

Okay let me explain it this way to you, let say your grandmother is a version 6.0, then your mother will be a version 6.1, you then work on being an upgrade version of 6.1 which is 6.2 - that is what makes it beautiful. 

To all daughters, I would like to hear your opinion on this subject. Your thoughts, your comments, your stories or advice will go a long way. So why not leave a comment or two.

 

Yes, I am my mother’s daughter, I didn’t get to choose it but by God, I would make the best out of it. My mother may not be all that but she is everything to me and together we will walk out our imperfections - for I know who I am.

So I will be real and true to who I am…

MY MOTHER’S DAUGHTER!!!

THE BREAK OF A NEW DAWN by ISI 1

I have known real gentlehawk for some years now.

Real gentlehawk is someone who comes across as a goal-getter. She is someone who knows what she wants and is not afraid to reach out for her heart’s desires.
She approached me, telling me she would like me to come on board her editorial team and she went further to tell me beautiful adjectives on my capabilities based on her interactions with me and referrals from people. I blushed and said an effusive thank-you!

Part of the mandate given to me was ‘a no-holds-barred’ articles. She said she wanted articles that would be as real as can be. She said she wanted people to have insights to ‘our’ person. She wanted people to identify with us like they have known us, she wanted us to be a team of writers who people could trust, and who would say the truth regardless of whose ox would be gored. The mandate sounded scary and challenging but I was and I am thrilled at this ‘newest’ journey of my life.
I welcome you to this journey of discovery and rediscovery of who I am, who you can be, who I was, who you used to be, who I aspire to be, your aspirations, who I can be and who you can be. This journey would most certainly be boring without you. Please oblige me as we undertake this journey together. Hand in hand we would walk together, talk together, discover our potentials both known and unknown. We would be friends.
I pondered on what would be my first piece. I searched the core of my being for a title that would make front page header. I wanted to impress you but again realgentlehawk’s words re-echoed in my ears ’be real’. It was at that moment this title came to mind ‘The break of a new dawn’.

I had to search the net for a word that best described ‘The break of a new dawn’. I saw so many meanings and had a hard time settling for one definition.
After a long search, I settled for these:
1. The time of day when light first appears as the sun rises.
Thesaurus: morning, sunrise, daybreak, daylight, sun-up (US), aurora;
Antonym: dusk, sundown, sunset.

2. The beginning of (a new period of time, etc).
Thesaurus: beginning, outset, onset, origin, birth, genesis, inception, start, rise, advent, emergence, dawning.

Ref:http://www.writersevents.com/Words_Starting_with_A/at_a_tangent_at_the_most/at_the_break_of_dawn_definition.html

I would not speak for realgentlehawk but for me, being asked to write on realgentlehawk’s space is a new period of time for me. I have been writing since I was 10 years old. I wrote when I was happy, I wrote when I was sad. Writing while growing up meant so much to me.
I entered secondary school joined the school’s press club where I wrote most of the editorial pieces. I continued this writing trade of mine to university where I wrote for a couple of media houses on campus.

Then I started working. Writing, took the back seat of my life. I barely wrote but when I did, I wrote out of the anguish of my heart particularly when one of my bosses had got me pissed. I would ‘diss’ them using my pen. ‘The pen was mightier than the sword’.
At some point, life seemed like a drab. Using other talents of mine like singing, I tried to keep myself busy and happy. There was still an emptiness I felt…

I am glad to be onboard this new voyage. Would all of my emptiness end? ‘I cannot categorically say’ *smiles*. However, I plan to utilize this platform given to me to expend myself to you. I want to dare people to be the best that God have them be. You, yes you, were born for a purpose.
While I am not the best me yet, I ‘am certain that you’d find me inspiring and fun to be with. It’s a new dawn for me. Welcome to my world…

A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHT

I was young when I first heard that phrase, “A penny for your thought”. I’m not sure who used it first, my mum or dad but the first time I heard and understood it, it was like music to my ears. I practically used it in every sentence I made for a week…and you know how it goes with kids when it come to new toys. You play with it none stop until you get a new one then you dump the old one.

Not until last week while a couple of my friends and I were discussing some issues facing the young adults of today that the phrase came to mind again.

Śādī – love the Hindu word for marriage. I love the way it's pronounced.

Marriage, a very sensitive yet exciting topic that most people forget that it is not just all about the D-day but the moments after the D-day that is the real deal.



Though the statistic of divorce rate in the world right now is dropping but few years ago the high rate was so alarming to the extent that a lot of young adults would rather have a relationship known as what my mother would call "Why get the cow when you are getting the milk" kind of arrangement. It was safer that way, young adults weren't longer risk takers.



Everywhere you look, there is always a failed marriage, reminding you that "You had better play it smart and safe or you are going to get hurt". As my friends and i continued with our discussion, we discovered that the reasons why there are a lot of failed marriages which most times end up in divorce, is that people fail at communicating.

Now, kindly let me explain what i mean by this form of communicate, because it is definitely different from the usual communication required of any couple.

This form of communication requires one to talk about all crazy stuff before, during and after marriage and the interesting part is that this communication is not only with your spouse but with people around you. Where best can one get information if not from people who have been there and done that. Someone once said that "You can't know more than the OLD, because the OLD has more experience at being YOUNG and being OLD, whereas the YOUNG only has experience at being YOUNG".

What i am trying to say is, A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHT and maybe it may save a life or two and help bring joy to homes.

Many at times, i hear married women/men hide by lying about their marriage. They pretend that all is well and rosy, knowing well that it isn't. This makes me wonder why they do what they do?

Don't they realise that they are kind of an ambassador to that institution called marriage? Don't they realise that some group of people are watching to learn and see how it is done? Or maybe, it is just out of spite to those who aren't married, or maybe they just want them to make the same mistakes, so that the world would be a better place.

Whatever the reason, A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHT. Please make sense of what marriage is by discussing what you are going through with 'us' and maybe 'we' won't be as judgemental about it as we are.

We live in a world that is so hypocritical of a lot of stuff and due to that people aren't true to themselves any longer. And how would they, when the society will be so quick to judge them. The truth is that Marriage is like training a child - an old african adage says that "a woman gives birth to a child be the whole town helps to train that child".




So again, i ask pleading, A PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHT!!!!

Real n True
Gentlehawk