A gal's dairy 02

"A day will come and you will see me no more...." It's a quote and i think i'm begining to understand the indepth of that sentence. I do feel lost today. I feel my life is without direction and i feel empty.

Hey, before you begin to imagine how empty my life is, let me give you some tips into my life. I have alot going for me until recently and it seems to be slipping away. I'm a young beautiful woman with a good career that will put in the spotlight as soon as i'm ready. My social network is above average but social life is zero. My love life is so close to a nun's. I live a triangle type of life, that's to say, home,work, school. There's nothing and i mean absolutely nothing interesting going on in my life. I hate going out for shopping and clubbing like normal girls do. I would rather stay home to read a book, write(like i'm doing now) or watch a movie. What kind of girl does that? BINGO!!! a Boring one! I simply miss those good and simple old days when i had the right to feel free. Love irrespective of who and how. When i had true but few friends. When my parents were still much in love. When in the evenings, i will put in a good show for everyone in the living room and i have a good and honest laugh with those people who love me for me. Why do life have to be so so complicated. I guess it is part of growing up. When i was little i couldn't wait to grow up, have my freedom and enjoy life. i thought grow ups had everything tey wanted....how childish that thought is right now. i would give everything i own to be a child right now.

But can't, can i? So i better get a grip and enjoy what i have so i won't grow old and regret what i have missed and lost. I guess there is nothing wrong in wishing just remember it pays more to be REAL and TRUE!

So for Moi,
Peace n Out!
Gentlehawk

THE MASK

Hey guys,

I wrote this article years ago and looking at the world today, I have an urge to share it once again.

So happy reading!

Wow, Wow..... just finished watching my favourite sitcom, "Grey's Anatomy' and i had to say,"Wow! Life is really very short not to be real and true to who you really are!  

In this particular episode, Meredite drown while trying to rescue a man,  not because she couldn't swim but basically because she gave up on her life even before it began. 

She's so young yet very messed up in the head, why? She feels everything she holds dear isn't making any sense to her anymore…or rather everyone she thought or really loves  isn't who they say they are. 

NEEDING something is definitely different from WANTING something, and she helped define that clearly.

And there is Izzie and O'malliey, that pair i don’t seem to understand. Just the opposite of our gal (and by the way i should say, i am a big fan of these two). They are getters and when i mean getters, i mean, they go for whatever they believe they need (not that they can't do without it) irrespective of who gets hurts. 

But O'Malliey is one character that seem to put me over board. His posture is way out unstable but inwardly he is as stable and strong as an Arabian Horse. And there is Alex, the "Player", who thinks being emotional makes  him look weak and re-live his childhood which he would rather forget. Though inwardly, he is a good man(which by the way, he does a good job of hiding). 

And my favourite, Christina, the hard core perfectionist who thinks life is all just about competing to be the best and anything less, isn't acceptable.

This sitcom makes me realize that we all, in a way have a Meredite, Izzie, Alex, O'Malliey and Christina in us that makes life kind of crazy yet exciting, stupid yet meaningful. 

I know i've a Meredite in me, who wants to be loved always but is so scared of getting hurt. And also a Christina, who is hurting but hides it by been tough and all. She sees any need of emotion as being weak. 

We are these people and more... this is what makes our life worth living. Life has to have its up and down,  else we will take it for granted. 

Society has so refined us, that being our true self isn't enough, so we are forced to be someone else. We all have something to hide and how best way to hide than to wear masks. 

Mask to keep people at arms length because to us it is best way to keep safe. We convince ourselves that when we wear it long enough we can become the mask/the other person and never hurt again.

But you know what, i'm done wearing masks. You should too. 

I want to be me..ME! It's a lot easier to be me. I want to be able to say how i feel without getting crucify for it. I want to be able to love and take great risk to be loved. I want to be able to make stupid mistakes because that's what makes me human. I want to be able to go swimming in a pool full of HOT guys and pretty girls and display my stretch makes without feeling shy or feel self ….. But infact wanting to flaunt my femininity. I want to be able to think up something crazy and just do it not because it is good but because it feels good and it is fun. I want to be able to go shopping n partying like other girls. I want to be able to live life every minute, every second of the day and seize the moment as it comes.

Above all, i want to do ME, Me, Me and not because some societal ideology sees or say it is right!!! No, but because it is just enough for me. Selfish you may say and that's exactly what I would want  to be …so selfish, THAT I WON’T NEED MY MASK ANYMORE.  We all need to be selfish at one point in time in one's life. It helps to put things in good perspective..... A times!

So stay Real and stay True, it pays and there's gain.

Peace and  Out!

Gentlehawk

A gal's dairy 01

Created this blogger so that i can be free to express myself respective of what others may think.Unlike some, when i'm worried i pen down how i feel to the best of my abilities. I'm young, beautiful, agile, single and very independent which alot times some men find to be intimidating.

However, i love my life to some extent. Sometimes i wish i could just dare to have fun, you know, throw all cares to the wind like my little sister. But i just can't, to much responsiblity to be irresponsible, that what ME tell myself. Ironic isn't it.

My life is so boring that i'm beginning to feel that a 70 year old woman gets more fun out of her life than i do mine. How did i get to this point i ask myself sometimes. Honestly, i just don't know. I'm always too busy to have fun that most of my friends are gone and the ones that stick around are all married and live busy lives.

I loved someone once, half of my life. How do you love someone that much and it hurts so so bad. But the painful thing is the person does not love you back. I have tried to move on with my life but oh men, it's so hard. It's harder than cracking water from a rock, believe me. I want to believe it is an obsession but i'm willing to give up an obsession that is destroying me. An obsession could be cancerous and this gal does not want any cancer. I feel like dancing right now......don't mind me, it's because i'm listening to Shania Twain's "Man!I feel like a woman". Lovely lyrics n song. Anyway, i am crying out to any one out there that has a solution to getting over an obsession, should please holla me ASAP. Because it is "Operation Kick out them Obsession".

It's real and true
Gentlehawk, signing out.
cheerio