I remember read something a long time ago and please pardon me because I will be paraphrasing this:
No matter how my heart breaks, no matter how much my soul you take...I will still believe in Love!
My dear sisters, the truth is, as much as it hurts to have been hurt, you need to heal. You need to let go of that pain. Love is out there. It’s standing in the shadows, waiting for you. But, you cannot find love again, if you still carry past hurt around you. I did not cry after my break-up, for over a year. I had a heart of stone. Nothing could melt me. Of course, the men came. Yes, my mum’s wine cabinet increased with visits from suitors. Yes, I rejected every single one of them. Family meetings were even held, with me as the subject of discussion. But I remained un-moved. Until one day, I got an I.V for my Secondary School daughters’ wedding. Suddenly, I felt like a grandma. Extremely old. My little baby was getting married. OMG!! What have I been doing? That day, I went home, looked at myself in the mirror, and told myself the truth “Enough is enough. I do not want to be ‘you’ anymore. I want ‘my’ life back”.
I remember that night clearly, November 17, 2012, exactly two years that my heart was bruised. I remember playing “Boundless Love”, by Women of faith repeatedly. I lay flat on the ground in my room that night, and told God “I am ready. Break me. Heal me. Touch my heart and make me a new being”. For the first time in 2 years, I cried. The tears flowed for several hours, tears piled up for 730 days. Memories of my relationship flashed through my mind. The good times. The happy times. And the end. Oh! How much I cried. You might not believe this, but I stayed there till the next morning.
That was when I understood the words “though the sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning”. Though my eyes were puffy, I felt peace. Such peace that I could not explain. I felt like I had been re-born, and for the first time, I smiled. Because I knew I had healed.
With phase one complete (Healing Process), I proceeded to phase two (Lessons learnt). I sat down, and looked at those things in me that might have pushed my ex away. Yes, he cheated. But, did I do something? Did I love him less? Did we lose the spark in our relationship? Was I too independent? I hardly asked him for anything (not my fault. I was raised by a single parent and, with no father in sight, mum always handled things) Too rigid? I know he complained that I hardly told him I loved him. I didn’t say it often, but I showed it, or didn’t I? Etc…To some extent, I felt I did not deserve what he did to me. I just knew I had to learn from it. So, I did something weird. I called my ex and scheduled a lunch date/meeting/interview. Oh yea. I sure did. I mean, he had tried to reach me several times in the past year, he even asked me to take him back, but I wouldn’t agree to go near him without a double barrel gun in my hand and, since I couldn’t get hold of a gun, I stayed away. But I called him. Over lunch, I asked him the question I think you ought to ask- WHY? Why did you do that to me? To us? You were my life, my best friend from childhood. I gave you my life and heart and you took 10 years of my life, only to throw it away. Why?
Ready for this? His answer was? The devil….. Oh yes, that man sure knows how to pop up in people’s mouths. My ex blamed the devil. Said he made one wrong decision, got carried away and missed his way back. And then, he said another shocking thing. He told me that, after his error, he just could not bear to be with me. I was too pure, too loving, too maternal, too much of a wife to him, that his conscience just couldn’t stay because he knew I deserved better. A man that would love me, be committed to me and never ever cause me such pain.
Ladies, there I sat, with my mouth ajar. For over a year, I hated, I cursed, I was mad at the world. Now, the truth stared at me in the face: he left me because he felt I deserved better after what he did. That was it, phase two was complete. From then on, I kept telling myself “I DESERVE BETTER”.
It’s been months since that day, and believe me when I tell you that, I indeed have found “better”. I have opened up my heart again and I have let love in. Love came in the strangest of ways. The one person I pushed away the most when I was hurt, is now the most precious gift I have ever received. When he smiles, my whole world is complete. We have our differences, but we resolve them amicably. My family loves him, and vice-versa.
How does it feel? Am I scared? Worried? Insecure? The answer is-“NO”. I feel wonderful, alive, happy, re-born and extremely beautiful. I feel like a blossoming flower, with its petals all fresh and moist.
Dear sisters, if I could do it, you can do it too. There’s love out there, waiting with open arms. You’ve got to let go, let God heal you and let love find its way into your heart. Stop deceiving yourselves by saying men are evil. If indeed men are evil, why is your wardrobe filled with friends’ aso-ebi? Why do you attend their weddings every Saturday? There are good men out there. You just need to let yourself heal enough to let a good man find you. If it means going to good relationship counselors, or just having a tete-a-tete with God, do it.
I do not know what the future holds for me, but right here, right now, I know that I would not trade what I have or how I feel, for a million dollars. I have realized that, even the best of men make mistakes, and we need to show our men just how much we love them. I never knew how to say the words “I love you” in my past relationship, but now, I sing it like a Nursery rhyme, and I see the spark in his eyes every time I say so.
That was my lesson-learnt; to be more expressive and always assure my man that no one can love him half as much as I do and to learn to let a man take care of me for a change.
I loved, I hurt, I bled, I healed, and in the midst of all the pain, I found love again. My sincere prayer for you, is that you would find love again too.
Come out of that shell: there’s a beautiful world out there. Waiting for you!!
So be real and true!
Gentlehawk
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